Little did she know...

I think as kids we don't really grasp hardship and hurting. We certainly don't fully grasp the finality of death.  It's also assumed that hard things happen to other people and not us and certainly not regularly. I guess maybe we carry some of that into adulthood, the idea that hardship is a fleeting, foreign thing. Reality, however, has proven that hardship in one form or another is a constant. We carry hurt with us. We love, therefore we are vulnerable, therefore we can be broken. I can't resist a Coldplay quote here:  "Nobody said it was easy.  No one ever said it would be this hard." Also, as Jack Johnson so aptly summed up my childhood:  "We used to laugh a lot, But only because we thought That everything good Always would Remain." I realize it is naive and straight up false to say that every child lives a blissful, hurt-free life. There is SO MUCH hurt and darkness that children face every day all around us. And certainly I faced my...

My little town faced fire a few weeks ago. Homes and lives were in danger.  It's a little surreal when you get the orders to grab the essentials and leave your home.  My life and home were never in imminent danger, but I had friends who could stand at their door and see flames headed straight to their home. Scary.  I don't like hard situations when I'm in them, but this reinforced to me again how great my community is here. As several of us rushed around to get out the door, we had a whole army of people offering help and beds and food. We had an influx of texts and calls to make sure we knew we needed to leave.  And the very next day? God's grace fell on our town. Rain to wash away the smoke, to put out the smolders, to bring sweet relief.  "...For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45

How do you sum up a decade of same-town, growing pains, laughter and tears friendship?  We knew each other fresh out of high school and watched each other find jobs and fall in love and mature and grow our families and we blinked and here we are: packing boxes and sweating and wiping down counters and laughing about memories and giving ourselves crying headaches because how do you say goodbye after all of that?  I don’t know.  But I do know that that sort of friendship looks an awful lot like this #glamorshot  It’s familiar. It’s comfortable. It’s my kid and your kids and toys all over the floor and our bellies too full of good food. And I can’t wait to do it again so get that guest room ready.  #thetrampcasa

Who knew that  The sight of a crumpled up sock Could make me cry Who knew that A few weeks would turn into a few months Would turn into a forever love Who knew that  Little humans who have seen so much loss Could be so brave Who knew that  Sometimes it is the hardest thing to trust God's hand Should we choose to believe his love Who knew that  Saying goodbye when nothing makes sense Could still foster peace Who knew that  The sight of a crumpled up sock Would make me cry

Does it go without saying that I miss you? Because I do. Not every second of every day. But usually at an unexpected time, some sound or smell or song or movie or whatever will remind me of you. Lots of times it brings a smile to my face. Other times, it makes me want to cry.  Over the past couple of years I kept wanting to tell you about everything you are missing out on.  You were right. I had a baby boy. He's two now. He likes cheese and dancing (among many other things). We have taken him camping and hiking, and I have you to thank for teaching me to love the outdoors and the joys of camping (even in all the extreme weather conditions we seemed to attract). We have had weddings. And sibling reunions. And the cutest little Brasilian Johnson you have ever seen. We have had graduations and growth. Lots of mundane changes. Lots of extreme changes. A lot of crying and a lot of laughing. And you are missing it. That makes me deeply sad. But the more I th...

I don't want to say it, because I hard eye roll at the overabundance of blame-shifting and down-playing of the Millennial Generation. Every generation has its faults. Every generation is, to some extent, a bi-product of the former generation (y'all, everyone is responsible for their own decisions. Just know I believe that with my whole heart, so calm down). Every generation is impacting the next generation way more than they probably realize.  However, I am going to just put a little rant out there about my generation. More specifically, I am speaking to people in Christian circles. I don't know about you, but I have seen a fair share of articles posted out there along the lines of "Dear Church, this is how you have failed me". Maybe it's coming from the perspective of a "forgotten" single. Maybe it's coming from the perspective of a jaded, ultra-conservatively raised kid.  A lot of these articles that I have read have valid points. Some orga...

If you have been reading this blog for longer than two seconds, you most likely have been with me for some pretty painful blogging years (let's be real: they probably aren't over). Those early days -yikes. I have long held to the personal principal that I started this blog for fun, and that's how I want to keep it -however weird it may get at times. I don't want to feel like I have to produce content to keep up the page views or to sell a product or to get some Pinterest pins.  I think (ok KNOW) part of that is due to pride. In other words, if I am not feeling like I have anything to publish here that will be The Best, and get a lot of shares or comments or ... whatever... then I don't want to do it. A lot of what Amelia wrote recently resonated with me in that regard. I read a lot of blogs. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who blog. I am guilty of condescendingly rolling my internal eye-balls at people I feel like are just blogging to get the page c...

(an open letter, or,  Why I Am Not Broken Hearted to have a New Baby in This Crazy, Messed-Up World.) I saw you this election year. You were on fire. You were using your time in the public spotlight to stand for and promote what you so strongly believe in. You stood alongside your choice for the presidential race, and you campaigned right through voting day.  I'm with you (kinda). I think that women are strong, capable, powerful, and wise world-shakers. It's astounding to think that just a "few" years ago, women were not even allowed to vote in this country, yet here we are and women are holding political offices and running for president. Then, like you, I watched in disbelief as Donald Trump was elected president of the United States.  However, unlike you, I wasn't devastated. I was not hopeless. I did not spend that night or the next few days in mourning.  And I most certainly am not broken hearted to have given birth to my son the same year that ...

sometimes all the weight of all of the hurt seems so stifling and overwhelming. this stuff is only supposed to come in seasons, right? why does it feel as if suffering just does not stop? broken people. dark struggles. unexpected loss over and over and over again. love is breaking my heart. but maybe it's not about me and my heart. maybe it's not about how suffering affects me and how the hurt overwhelms me at the most unwelcomed times: at work, at home, at church, alone, in a group. maybe it's how Philippians 3 puts it "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord...that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share in his sufferings becoming like him in his death ..." ...

"Where has this summer gone? It disappeared somewhere  among the double scoop ice cream cones and turkey melt sandwiches; among the BLS transports and adrenalin pumping fights for life; among the car full of middle school kids and last minute youth group scrambles." - journal scribbles Last summer was all sand in the seats and hikes and sunburns. This summer was all work and youth group crazy and lots of late night cooking/laughs/hangouts. I had a hard time giving up my preconceived ideas of what summer in the BH should look like. But it was still good. Lots of life lessons. Lots of deepened relationships. Lots of soul aching nights. It feels like a decade of a summer rather than a couple of months.  A summer with shaping moments we never want to have, but know that God has orchestrated. And here it is mid September and All Things Fall are upon us. I think I'm ready.

I've been pretty silent on here for a while.  Part of that is because I have two jobs and not as many adventures.  Most of it is because on the night of 30 June when I was having the usual hang out time with a buddy, I started to get text messages about one of my other buddies who was fighting fire in AZ.  Had I heard from him? Did I know what was going on?  I was clueless.  But within moments I began to understand the gravity of the situation.  Nineteen hotshots lost in a fire . "What do you mean lost?"  Dead .  "Are you sure? Please please let me know when you know for sure."  Pit in my stomach and tightening throat and burning eyes. Going through the motions while waiting to hear what my heart already knew to be true.  The stars were brilliant while we stood outside in the darkness. A cool breeze after a hot day.  Silence broken by short sentences.  Then it came and I couldn't make myself say the words out loud....

love defined/exemplified by josh.

is it a jump that's required for these love transitions from one life category/stage to another?  does love require a label? does love require a socially accepted status symbol?  or is it that love starts out growing in your heart because of the captivating, take-your-breath-away love that comes from Christ and then expands in unexpected and unplanned ways to the people that you come in contact with every day. "everyone is in your life for a reason." everyone.  so does love jump? does sit waiting while you sit waiting until it can jump into action with the one person (or people) you have deemed worthy to receive the focus and energy and passion of your love? or is it that love finds its expression best when we love the "unlovable," the misfits, the neglected, across social boundaries and expectations, when we let go of all of our fears and reservations to love with abandonment? I am learning not jump with my love, not to hold it in "safety" and re...

"Wherever you are, be all there.", I whispered to myself as I wrapped the blankets up to my chin and curled my icy toes under the body pillow. The blankets so easily could have represented the discontentment and dissatisfaction that I had been wrapping around my soul and my mind this year. The dark ceiling offered up no form of recognition or solace to my words, but as I let out a sigh, the verse I heard earlier that day came to mind: "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.  Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." (1 Corinthians 7:17 MSG) "Live and obey and love and believe right there." Right here. Right here where God is faithful and God is good. Right here where there is community and fe...

It's the week After Easter... Resurrection Sunday... celebration of New Life and Power over Death.  Last week was good.  I had some good reads last week: Love to the Uttermost , The Jesus Storybook Bible , Galatians , John , The Story of Hope .  I listened to a Resurrection playlist that was over 8 hours long so I don't think that I ever made it all the way through.  I had encouraging time with my church family here as we celebrated the Truth of the Gospel. And now, the Week After, I am feeling a little ...overwhelmed? let down?   Because After Easter I have only 3 weeks left of class.  And After Easter I only have one week left with my Moving Friends.  And After Easter I only have a month left with Friends who are here for school.  And After Easter life seems so.... well. anti climactic?  Which is all ridiculous because the whole beautiful thing about the week after the Resurrection is purpose and hope  Befor...

I made a deal with myself at the beginning of February that I would do at least one post a week on love, because well, it's love month, right? So, final installment: I first saw Ian and Larissa's story about a year ago and was blown away. In my mind I think I knew that logically, Christ-like love would look like this, but when I saw it lived out in reality, I almost didn't know how to respond.  So challenging, encouraging, humbling, heart-breaking, uplifting. Since I watched the video, I have been following their blog, and  when Larissa posted the other day, I knew that I had to share it. So simple, so true. And I am so thankful that they are willing to bless others with their story. To God be the glory. "ian is not to be pitied. i am not to be pitied. God is to be rejoiced." I think that's what challenges me the most, that joy or pain, their goal is to rejoice in the God of their salvation and to bring glory to him. "the...

There is something incredibly refreshing about face to face catch-ups (This coming from a social media addict, I know, I know) .But, somehow the "how are you's" and "what have you been up to's" hold much more meaning when you can sit across from each other and share moments filled with voice inflection and crinkles around the eyes and furrowed brows and hands that tap the table.    Community, whether stretched over long distances and kept up via internet sources, or met in the day today interactions of people who color my life, is something that I have come to value big time over these past couple of years. There is just such a comfort  in my heart to know that there are people who will listen to the same story three times over, and laugh at the stupid jokes, and call me out when I am being ridiculous, and who will challenge my thinking and who will pray for me when they say they will pray for me. It's in the Sunday morning groups of talking a...

it's been a month of late night wakefulness, head on the pillow, mind mulling over faces and names and places, and thinking about this thing called love. sometimes it feels like madness.   it's been a month of heart breaking and mind numbing facts about the ugly truth of abortions. the massive genocide taking place on this continent in the name of "planning" or erasing the ugly memories, or preventing the "poor quality of life," comes down to nothing more than thousands of babies who cannot speak for themselves having their lives ended by some person who never had the right to determine their quality of life or right to live in the first place. it's been a month of rising awareness and reminders that all over this nation and the world, beautiful, innocent girls and women are being sold as commodities so that someone somewhere can attempt to fill the empty void as well as fill their empty pockets. so much selfishness. so much ugly. so muc...

"I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear." -Ben Howard "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." -2 Timothy 1:7 God gave us the spirit of POWER and LOVE and SELF-CONTROL. What is holding me back? 

It snowed and snowed and snowed. Love. I am currently reading: The Hole in our Holiness On the Rez Mark Advanced EMT: a clinical reasoning approach  Saying farewell to one of my mentors/friends/antagonist from work today. He's moving on to bigger and better things and I am stoked for how God worked everything out for him and his beautiful family, but I am bummed to be left behind. Thankful for this guideline for workouts . And an accountability partner. And youtube instruction videos. Stuck on another song. But you'll have to wait til Monday to find out which one. ;) Beyond stoked to see two of my best friends/brothers next week. Loving this self portrait I found on my camera.  Getting back in the groove of being a student. Blown away by this simple truth . " God is searching for people for whom he can show his strength ...God aims to glorify himself in everything he does. And the glory of his self-sufficient power and wisdom shine...