Hello (a long, rambling introduction).
If you have been reading this blog for longer than two seconds, you most likely have been with me for some pretty painful blogging years (let's be real: they probably aren't over). Those early days -yikes. I have long held to the personal principal that I started this blog for fun, and that's how I want to keep it -however weird it may get at times. I don't want to feel like I have to produce content to keep up the page views or to sell a product or to get some Pinterest pins.
I think (ok KNOW) part of that is due to pride. In other words, if I am not feeling like I have anything to publish here that will be The Best, and get a lot of shares or comments or ... whatever... then I don't want to do it. A lot of what Amelia wrote recently resonated with me in that regard. I read a lot of blogs. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who blog. I am guilty of condescendingly rolling my internal eye-balls at people I feel like are just blogging to get the page clicks/views. Which is so ridiculous because every time I post, I have an internal dialogue of "well, I'm just blogging when it's something that I enjoy" -while obsessing immediately after publishing over page views and comments. I also constantly have this internal battle of "I'm not gonna be that guy that publishes every blog post to Facebook to get the views", when in reality, that's all I really want.
[And that, kids, is how social media is mostly just a facade of "Look at how awesome I am", instead of the reality: "I am insecure and I need your validation" (that last sentence just doesn't look as cool on the interwebs).]
However, another part of that insecurity I think belongs to my personality: I'm not the entrepreneur, A-type, leader-of-the-pack personality. I like the safety of what I know. I would prefer not to put myself out there if I am not sure that I will succeed. But, if you are going to go for it, I will be right there with you. Gimme the support roles, hommie, and we can rock it.
I like to describe myself as an extroverted introvert. If I am in a room of strangers (the airport, for example) I won't be the one to start a conversation. However, I love to people watch, so just give me a room of strangers that I don't have to talk to ;) . Sometimes if I am out and about and I see somebody I know (in most cases, an acquaintance), but they don't see me, I pretend I never saw them and go about my business. But, give me a house full (and I do mean full) of my people, and my love/joy/happiness tank is overflowing.
I also have the conundrum of loving the idea of independence. For example, I loved being single. I loved the freedom, the friendships, the time, the SLEEP, the travel... etc, etc, etc. So, when I got married, I actually had a really hard time with letting go of a lot of aspects of that. I definitely wasn't sad to be married, but it took some painful growth and mess-ups to learn how to give up the freedoms of singleness for the sacrifices and shared joy of marriage. I thought I was doing pretty good with that. And then I got pregnant. And gosh, did I cry about that situation. I spent a lot of time in the early weeks of pregnancy mourning the coming reality of loss of my body as I knew it, my hobbies and free time, my job and co-workers (xoxo), and SLEEP. As my kid has grown, he has been a constant reminder that I am not the most important person in my world. I am repeatedly having little bits of independence stripped away: eating when and what I want, taking a shower when I want, sleeping however long I want, hanging out with friends whenever and wherever, just having an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, spontaneous trips (across town), certain outdoor activities that aren't baby friendly.... the list goes on.
I never wanted my identity to be as a mom or as a wife, or as an LEO wife. I never wanted my identity to be EMS. It has become increasingly apparent to me that I am so busy trying NOT to be labeled as such-and-such, that I am easily missing the only label that really matters: a child of God. A Christ-follower. Dead to self, alive in Christ.
I guess the point of all of that rambling talk (thanks for making it to the end), is that
1. Hi. Now you know a little bit more about me than what I ever say in an "about me" section (also, why are those so hard to write?).
2. I still want this blog to be an outlet that I utilize to exercise creativity, but I don't want to be a slave to my self-image propping. And, now I have some accountability by spewing all those thoughts on this page for you to read.
If Facebook links brought you here, I hope that's a sign that I am growing in (out of?) my insecurities ;)
[And that, kids, is how social media is mostly just a facade of "Look at how awesome I am", instead of the reality: "I am insecure and I need your validation" (that last sentence just doesn't look as cool on the interwebs).]
However, another part of that insecurity I think belongs to my personality: I'm not the entrepreneur, A-type, leader-of-the-pack personality. I like the safety of what I know. I would prefer not to put myself out there if I am not sure that I will succeed. But, if you are going to go for it, I will be right there with you. Gimme the support roles, hommie, and we can rock it.
I like to describe myself as an extroverted introvert. If I am in a room of strangers (the airport, for example) I won't be the one to start a conversation. However, I love to people watch, so just give me a room of strangers that I don't have to talk to ;) . Sometimes if I am out and about and I see somebody I know (in most cases, an acquaintance), but they don't see me, I pretend I never saw them and go about my business. But, give me a house full (and I do mean full) of my people, and my love/joy/happiness tank is overflowing.
I also have the conundrum of loving the idea of independence. For example, I loved being single. I loved the freedom, the friendships, the time, the SLEEP, the travel... etc, etc, etc. So, when I got married, I actually had a really hard time with letting go of a lot of aspects of that. I definitely wasn't sad to be married, but it took some painful growth and mess-ups to learn how to give up the freedoms of singleness for the sacrifices and shared joy of marriage. I thought I was doing pretty good with that. And then I got pregnant. And gosh, did I cry about that situation. I spent a lot of time in the early weeks of pregnancy mourning the coming reality of loss of my body as I knew it, my hobbies and free time, my job and co-workers (xoxo), and SLEEP. As my kid has grown, he has been a constant reminder that I am not the most important person in my world. I am repeatedly having little bits of independence stripped away: eating when and what I want, taking a shower when I want, sleeping however long I want, hanging out with friends whenever and wherever, just having an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, spontaneous trips (across town), certain outdoor activities that aren't baby friendly.... the list goes on.
I never wanted my identity to be as a mom or as a wife, or as an LEO wife. I never wanted my identity to be EMS. It has become increasingly apparent to me that I am so busy trying NOT to be labeled as such-and-such, that I am easily missing the only label that really matters: a child of God. A Christ-follower. Dead to self, alive in Christ.
I guess the point of all of that rambling talk (thanks for making it to the end), is that
1. Hi. Now you know a little bit more about me than what I ever say in an "about me" section (also, why are those so hard to write?).
2. I still want this blog to be an outlet that I utilize to exercise creativity, but I don't want to be a slave to my self-image propping. And, now I have some accountability by spewing all those thoughts on this page for you to read.
If Facebook links brought you here, I hope that's a sign that I am growing in (out of?) my insecurities ;)
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