From the draft file: afternoon in Washington/Dulles

January 03, 2012

truth is, even though I am sitting here in this terminal pretending that my hair isn't greasy and I have had a shower in the past 24 hours and I am happy to get on another plane and I am so much in love with Starbucks that I have consumed More Than is Healthy during this Extremely Long Layover,

i wish i was still in Joburg.

It's only a quarter to 4 and the sun is setting.

there's cold rain on the windows and i have nothing but a thin jersey (sorry, jacket).

i am both amused and annoyed at the plethora of American Accents.

in my mind, i am still going back to my tiny flat to laugh and chat and just Do Nothing with my roommate.

or I will have my choice of 30+ kids to laugh with (read: at) and hug and scold and cuddle and love.
or I will go to the shopping center that i have a love/hate relationship with and probably get a tall latte with wings from my favorite barista and then people watch.
or I'll meet up with some friends from church and we'll go on a Random Adventure.
but i can't.

people, i am not ready for this. i am not ready for this return to Life as it Used to Be.

i have had a Different Life these past few months. a Life that, after I adjusted to it, i did not want to leave.
And now I am sitting on the other side of the world after giving part of my heart to the people and the place, flooded with memories, ready to turn around and go right back.

What do you tell the kids you have worked so hard to bond with when they ask you why you have to leave? somehow, "because I have to go to work" doesn't seem to cut it.

What do you say to the young girl who is sobbing on your shoulder as if her heart is breaking. "i love you and i will never forget you" doesn't seem adequate, because this is probably the last time you will see her. ever.

But here I am. Sometimes my heart just aches as it is faced with the changing of Life Seasons.

Changes/Revelations excerpts from the Journal 29 Nov 2011:

people are still my favorite thing wherever I go on this Great Wide World. The Body of Christ is priceless. and i mean priceless. Words cannot even express how much i value it.

i am feeling a little more confident, independent, comfortable when it comes to international travel.

i am feeling that strange detachment, not exactly belonging as i prepare to go home. home is still home. but something has changed in my mentality towards it.

i have been handed responsibility outside of my comfort, experience, whatever, and expected to perform. So i take a deep breath, pray a lot, and dive in.

i have hesitated in some relationships as i adjust to cultural differences. like with the mammas. such great people to know, but it took me a bit to figure out how to interact.i have dived right in with other relationships. like with Sarah -not much can be lied about when you spend so.much time with a person in such close circumstances. but this relationship has been such a HUGE blessing. and i am in denial that it is over soon.

all of my attempts at mental pictures of life here were so not even close. but can you really know until you get to a place? not really. especially when it is in a different cultural context/environment.

the same lessons that i was going through at home were the same thing here: Love beyond the situation. beyond the people. beyond myself. abundantly. Prayer as a life style. Thankfulness: making it an attitude, not just an occasion. Trust for right now. for the future. for everything in and out of my control. Purity of heart and mind. with Christ as my sole adoration.

i DO love reading after all!

i appreciate somebody to get my cultural humor with. and to quote Nacho/Hot Rod with.

kids are pretty much the same across the world. however, more kids=a higher level of intensity.

i am not as compassionate as i imagined myself to be.as often as i have pictured myself in some third world situation, God keeps giving me quite the opposite experience.