nothing new [under the sun]

I feel like I am in a transition place.

waiting. planning. carrying on with "normal" life. anticipating the changes that the future holds. just trying to get laundry done and keep the dishes washed and the bags out of the way of foot traffic.

I feel like I have been blessed with so much. 

a great support network of friends. awesome church family. job = perfect for me. so many opportunities to satisfy my wanderlust this year. the black hills in my back yard. family who love Christ and love me. 

that's why I was a little surprised to find myself searching. to find myself dissatisfied.

i wanted more  places to go. more people to spend time with. longer nights. everyone's schedule planned around me. better experiences. more adrenaline thrills. time off work. the responsibilities to take care of themselves.

why is it not enough? 

because i found myself seeking for attention or acceptance or satisfaction

anywhere other than from Christ.

and i found that people fail my expectations. i fail people's expectations.

i don't always like people. people don't always like me.

and so i try harder to please. i change who i am or how i act. i cover up flaws and oddities for fear of rejection. 

believe me, after growing up in a Christian family, i am pretty good at putting on an act, playing the part.

but why bother with that whole act thing?

because, deep down, i am afraid to be vulnerable. if people really saw who i am or knew what i thought, would they still like me? would they still want to be my friend? would they still want to associate with me?

this is why i am tempted to keep so many relationships surface.

But God didn't put us here to have a "love pat" sort of interaction with people. He put us here to make an impact. to be the hands and feet. to be that tangible expression of Christ to a world that has no clue how much they are loved. 

and we don't have to  have some sort of multicultural circumstance to make that happen. we don't have to sell all and move somewhere heinous or foreign. it is right there in the driver's seat on the way back from a long transfer in the middle of the night. it is lunch with the crew. it is listening to the sob story that never ends. it is every day life. every interaction. every relationship built. it is moving past the surface to something deeper. 

these are the places where God works.

and when I am dissatisfied and tired of the drudgery and seeking for the next adventure, i need that reminder that  life is not about me. it's about learning and growing and giving and loving.

as Casting Crown's song says "To know You is to want to know You more."